Sacrifice
by Giantpanda
Summary: Sayid thinks about his actions as he watches Shannon sleep. Post The Greater Good.


TITLE: Sacrifice  
RATING: PG  
SUMMARY: Sayid thinks about his actions as he watches Shannon sleep.  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

_Thanks mrstater for being a great beta-reader and for all your feedback and support._

He sat secluded away from everyone else. Their conversations seemed pointless compared with the storm brewing inside him. He was annoyed by the fact that he was surprised by this change in events. He should have known things would turn so quickly. They always did. Just last night he had been happy, for the first time in such a long time. He couldn't even remember the last time he had felt that way, the last time he had spent so much time laughing and smiling. Now he was alone, lost in a sea of memories he wished had died during the plane crash.

How many choices had he made to led him to this point? He tried so hard to do the right thing, but now he wondered if he'd misjudged. Everything that he had done in the past was called into question in one moment as Shannon yelled at him to get off of her and leave her alone. He wondered what would have been different if he hadn't stayed an extra day in Sydney.

His first thought was that he would never have met Shannon if he had taken the original flight. He would never have felt the happiness she'd brought him. Though, as much as he was hurting over her, he couldn't help but wonder if it would have been better if he hadn't met her.

He sighed deeply. Thinking in this manner would solve nothing. He shifted positions, trying to find one where his heart didn't hurt, but nothing helped. He closed his eyes, exhausted. He hadn't slept since that night on the beach with her. They had talked for hours and just as the sun began to rise had fallen asleep. He could still feel her in his arms. Now, the lack of sleep was beginning to catch up to him. Yet he couldn't sleep. Shannon's face haunted him. He knew he had been right to prevent her from shooting Locke, but now he wished he had done something differently. He just didn't know what.

He stood, wearily, and began to walk the beach, hoping to clear his head. He hated thinking about the past, but images from his time in Australia kept popping to mind. He could still hear the gunshot and see all the blood covering his friend, as if it was happening again. He had betrayed his friend just as Shannon felt he had betrayed her, but there were always choices to make.

Sayid stopped suddenly, when he found Shannon asleep on the beach. He hadn't realized that he walked to the fringes of camp. His heart wrenched in his throat as he saw how she slept curled into a ball. She looked so lost, her face stained with her tears. He wished he could comfort her, but her harsh words from the altercation with Locke still rang in his ears.

He looked around and found an abandoned blanket from someone picnicking earlier. He was sure that whomever it belonged to wouldn't mind Shannon having it. Gently, he draped it over her, careful not to wake her. She stirred in her sleep as she drew the blanket closer to her. He held his breath as he made sure she did not wake up.

When he was sure she was sound asleep, he slowly sank to the ground, drawing his knees to his chest. Even if she would not allow him to support her, did not mean that he would not watch over her. He didn't like the fact that she was so far from everyone else.

He noticed that a strand of hair had fallen in her eyes, and he reached out to move it. He hesitated, afraid that he was crossing a new line that she had drawn between them. Dejectedly, he dropped his arm back to the sand.

Sayid felt as if his heart was breaking even more as he watched her. He had been around death more than most people, and it was always the grief of others that tore at him. The nightmares taught him that he had to forget all those people had families -- wives, husbands, and children. Thinking of them brought nothing but heartache. And now Shannon laid in front him, broken. How many people had ended up just as she was because of his actions?

"I'm sorry," he whispered, talking not just to Shannon, but also to all those he had hurt, those that he could never say those words to.

He wished more than anything that he could comfort her now in her grief. He didn't know much about her past, but he remembered her words about Boone. He had sensed guilt when she spoke of her brother's love for her, and Sayid was unsure where the guilt had come from. He would have asked her, but he had seen how hard it was for her to simply tell him what she did. He would never push her to reveal more than she was ready to, especially when he hadn't revealed much in return.

He wanted her to let him in, to allow him to support her in whatever way she needed. But he realized that he had failed her. She had needed for him to go after Locke, and when he didn't she took it upon herself. He should have tried to speak with her before he had left, tried to help her. Maybe if he had stayed, she would have allowed him to comfort her, somehow.

He knew she was furious with him for preventing her from shooting Locke, but he had no choice. Boone's death was a tragic accident, and killing Locke wouldn't have made her feel any better. Revenge never made anyone feel better. He just wished that he hadn't had to tackle her as he did; he hoped he hadn't hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he repeated as he pulled the blanket up to cover her shoulders. "I could not allow you to shoot him, Shannon."

He paused. Was it right to speak with her when she was asleep? It seemed like the coward's way to deal with what had happened, but Sayid saw no other way. He needed to explain to her why he did what he did, and he knew she was in no condition to listen to him.

"You do not need to add to your pain. That is all that would have happened."

He reached once again to caress her face, but stopped centimeters away. Instead he lowered his arm and scooped up a handful of sand, allowing the tiny particles to slip through his fingers, just as he felt Shannon had.

"You do not need to have a death hanging over your head." He closed his eyes tightly as he felt them burn with tears. "You can not imagine the torment of having another person's blood on your hands," he said, his voice wavering. "I know what that feels like. You never forget. It becomes a part of you, and nothing can make it go away."

He swallowed hard, trying to regain control of all the emotions swirling inside of him. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself.

"Even if you can never forgive me, Shannon, I hope that one day you understand why I stopped you. I care too much for you to allow you to live with the knowledge you took another life."

She stirred again in her sleep, her eyes slowly opening.

He held his breath wondering if she had heard him, while hoping that she hadn't.

She looked disoriented as she sat up, the blanket pooling around her waist. "Sayid," she whispered.

"I am right here," he said as he leaned forward; ready to take her in his arms, if that was what she needed.

Her eyes darkened in anger. "I told you to leave me alone," she said, her voice emotionless.

Sayid stood, his shoulders slumped and his eyes on the ground as he spoke. "Please be careful out here alone."

He turned to walk away. He heard her sob, and wanted to turn back around, but knew that he couldn't. He considered going back to his shelter, but decided instead to find Locke. He wanted to know about the hatch; Locke still hadn't told him the truth on that point.

As he entered the jungle, he tried to ignore the tears that pooled in his eyes. He knew what he was walking away from, he was well aware of what he was giving up, or in fact had already given up. But he would continually sacrifice his happiness, so Shannon could keep her future.

The End.


End file.
